“My name is Victoria Winters. I can’t.” End of episode. End of show. Best. Series. Ever. Oh, Vic. If only you had followed my script you probably wouldn’t have got yourself into the seemingly never-ending heap of nonsense that you’re about to encounter but alas here we are on a bullet train from New York to Maine. She hopes her journey “will open the doors of life to [her].” LSD will do that for you. Just ask Mr. Morrison. On widows hill at “a house called Collinswood” stands Elizabeth Stoddard looking pensive and regal, but when is she NOT pensive and regal? I think she might have been born that way. Her brother pours a little bourbon or gin or scotch or whatever and very slowly goes over to her to be smarmy and droll. She tells him to get the hell away from her or as she says it “look in on your son.” Roger dubs his son a “little monster” and takes another swig. Apparently he chooses his words with “infinite precision.” I doubt that. Elizabeth calls him a “fool” to which he responds, “not one tenth the fool you are my dear.” We get it Dark Shadows. This is obviously ALL based on gothic literature and Elizabeth is clearly our ‘Older Foolish Woman.’ Roger steps into his role of the ‘Tyrant’ saying that Victoria should have never been asked to come to Collingswood. Elizabeth has faith in Victoria but Roger is more concerned about “strangers” interrupting the chain rattling of “ALL [their] ghosts.” Elizabeth shows her strength and Roger says that he’s only concerned for her. Tscha. Sure. Elizabeth, diamond earrings glittering, says she’s bringing Victoria there because she chooses to do so. Roger wants nothing to do with “the girl” but Elizabeth declares that “the girl will stay.” And then just to hammer it home one more time, Roger calls her a “fool.” We get it, you problematic tyrant. Elizabeth stands her ground and then leaves the drawing room. Roger, angry little man that he is, cracks his glass goblet in his hands. No blood? Really? Credits.
So while those eerie notes play and the waves crash upon the beach, let me introduce myself. I’m the Snark Shadows blogger. I used to watch Dark Shadows on the Sci Fi channel when I was a kid and just got the entire series on DVD. There’s so many episodes that I haven’t seen and I’m so excited to get to watch it from beginning to end. I figured I might as well share my thoughts as I go through this thing with someone. I remember some storylines so there might be some spoilers throughout but…oh, wait, we’re back! We’re on a train and Burke Devlin is pretending to be deaf to the train conductor. Rude. Some old lady is talking Victoria’s head off but because she’s our ‘Virginal Maiden’ she actually is being polite. Ah, the virginal maiden… ‘young, beautiful, pure, innocent, kind, and virtuous. Shows these virtues by fainting and crying whenever her delicate sensibilities are challenged, usually starts out with a mysterious past and it is later revealed that she is the daughter of an aristocratic or noble family.’ I must say, Dark Shadows knew their Gothic Literature archetypes! That woman is STILL blah blah blahing as we fade to a type of flashback, I guess, where Victoria speaks to a woman about the letter she received from Mrs. Stoddard to be a “companion and governess.” As we leave the flashback, the old woman squawks “what are you going to do?” Pure and innocent Victoria apologizes and says that she was daydreaming. Not so innocent Victoria is all but too happy to get the hell out of dodge and away from that old squawker now that her stop is coming up. Victoria gets off of the train carrying one ugly little suitcase and has the misfortune of encountering Mr. Burke Devlin who welcomes her to the “beginning and end of the world.” I don’t even know what to say in response to that. Anywho, she lets him know that she’s going to Collingswood and he confirms that he knows well. The duo leave together as the music and darkness whirs around them. After they’re at Burke’s hotel he tries to convince Victoria to leave Collinsport. She stands firm though. The nice bell hop guy greets Burke all sunshine and hugs. Burke is all I don’t know you. I don’t know anyone and demands a taxi for Victoria. Burke gets a letter of which he crumbles and then leaves giving the bell hop guy a nice little tip to move his bags. Bell hop guy tells Victoria that he has known Burke since he was a kid and then we’re at the Blue Whale. Shaky transition. Dark Shadows. Burke sits down to meet with a guy whose hat tells me he’s either a private eye or a mobster. He speaks in some mobster slang about the people “clamming up” and the “joint” starting to “jump” when the kids get there. Burke just wants to get down to business, that is, stalking the Collins family. Back at the hotel, we get our first sweet taste of Maggie Evans, the waitress so nice even her father says her name twice. Has anyone noticed that EVERYONE calls her Maggie Evans. Never Maggie. Always Maggie Evans. In homage to this silly trend, I won’t be changing her name to anything but Maggie E. Unfortunately, Maggie E. is wearing a horrible blonde (possibly red...darn you black and white) wig. And accompanying this bad fashion choice is a bad personality. She declares that Victoria is a jerk and then has the temerity to spell it for her. Maggie E., whose the jerk now? How does Victoria respond? “Well, thanks.” So pure. Maggie E. let’s Victoria know that she knows all about her. She tells Victoria that she’s about to go live with a bunch of “co-oks” which is why she’s been dubbed a jerk. Maggie E. tells Victoria to “take a good look in that mirror right now because in two months that pretty hair of yours is going to be one glorious shade of gray.” Victoria responds that Maggie E. is making “it sound like some old English novel with rattling chains, ghosts in the corridor-” Aw, so naieve. Maggie E. all but says that’s EXACTLY what’s she’s talking about. As Maggie E. goes to get some pie, Victoria really does look in the mirror at her roots. Hah hah. Then we get…well, I guess it’s supposed to be a flashback. I mean I don’t need Saved by the Bell pink swirling lines but this needs to be done better as opposed to a fade out. Some random moppet tells Victoria how beautiful and intelligent she is and that she should stay in New York to work. And now she has a name. It’s Sandy. Sandy is trying to convince Victoria to stay but Victoria’s too busy trying to find herself and see who she really is. We fade out of the ‘flashback’ and apparently Victoria was talking to herself. Maggie E., the little spitfire, calls her on it and says she’s really in trouble if she’s doing that without even going to Collinswood first. “Maybe you belong in that house.” Maggie E. states as she exits stage left. “Maybe I do.” Victoria says ominously before sipping her tea.
No comments:
Post a Comment